Blue Suede Shoes

Moms can be a little unintentionally cruel to their kids.

Take the time I had to show up at the church's pre-school in leather, German Lederhosen. How humiliating. I was so uncool. My stature as a Myerstown 4-year-old just went down the drain. I still remember the embarassment I felt, the faces of my fellow classmates - somewhere between shock and laughter.

So when my Mom told me that I was going to be allowed to pick out my own pair of shoes for the first time I was incredibly excited. Finally I was going to start to pick-out my own clothing. I'd be the coolest kid in town!

Now, it turns out that my Mom thought that I'd wear shoes more often if I had a say in picking them out. I was, afterall, a sneaker kid, if I had anything on my feet at all.

Mom has never stopped trying to dress me. And I've learned that she has some talents for it, beyond the Lederhosen incident. If you see me in a yellow shirt, and I have quite a few of them, it's guaranteed that it came from Mom. My Dad used to come to the breakfast table, pose briefly, and ask "How did I do?" to my Mom and Sister. Most mornings he'd get sent back for another try or two. I've learned that taking Mom's, and now Barb's advice too, keeps me out of just jeans and sweatshirts.

But my first chance to pick-out my own shoes. This was BIG! This was HUGE! I could not screw-up this opportunity.

I think the store was called "Dinger's," along Route 422 in Myerstown, next to the water tower. I sauntered in, brimming with a feeling of power like I've never felt before.

I browsed quite a bit. My Mom offered suggestions, and I soaked them in politely. I may even have tried a couple of shoes on. At some point I spotted a pair of Hush Puppies. They had a little bit of a heel and they were blue suede. That's right blue suede.

These were the ones. They glowed. They spoke to me. No one had shoes like this! They were so cool! I was going to be the envy of everyone in 5th grade.

My Mom was a little surprised by my selection. But she respected her promise and we made the purchase.

I couldn't wait to wear my new blue suede shoes to school the next day. I was all decked out and ready to roll. There was definitely a draw-back since these shoes would not serve me well at recess. But they were happening, they were the tops. I was ready to strut my stuff.

I'm more comfortable blending in with the crowd, rather than being the center of attention. So I did not march into the classroom announcing my cool new shoes. I quietly took my place in class and listened to the slight buzz around me . . .

". . . buzz buzz buzz . . . Pssst....check out those shoes Albert is wearing . . . buzz buzz buzz . . . "

Then I heard it. The voice I never wanted to hear. The voice that left a shrill down my spine.

It was the toughest, meanest, scariest kid in class. There was no facing off against this kid, no winning, you just had to walk away and practice damage control.

"JIM ALBERT IS WEARING GIRL'S SHOES!!!!!"

"Jim Albert is wearing what???" I thought to myself in horror.

It was Heidi Shaffer. I avoided her at all cost. If she was a boy I could just slug her. But against her I had nothing. It was generally better to run and hide. She could tease anyone in the class down to a quivering little dust ball.

My heart sunk in my chest. The room filled with laughter. Out of the corner of my eye I could see the fingers all pointing at my shoes. Slouching in my chair I turned my head towards Heidi and there she stood, wearing the exact blue suede shoes I was wearing.

I made it through the day, laid low, and avoided Heidi at all cost.

I know I had picked out boy's shoes. There was no question of that. And I knew it was actually Heidi that was wearing boy's shoes. But it was not worth arguing, not with Heidi. I would not win that one.

After that the shoes stayed in the closet. It only took a few days or a week until my Mom asked why I wasn't wearing them. I couldn't tell her the truth. It was so significant that she left me pick out my own shoes that I couldn't let her know that I had blown it.

I was better in sneakers afterall. Playing football at recess was much more important.

(Quick Tummy Note: Last night I made it through the night without being called to the bathroom at midnight - the first time in a week. Abdomen in general is also feeling stronger today. So I hope this is the sign of recovery from the latest strong side effect.)