Good 'Ol Mosby's

I fully expect the doctor to give me clearance to drive again in the next couple of weeks. In the meantime I feel bad for being such a burden on everyone that is being so kind to haul my goofy self around.

I'm very grateful to my Mom and Dad for driving over yesterday to get me in for radiation treatments. It seems a little silly since the radiation treatments are very brief. So it's a pretty good drive for a little bit of time at the hospital.

Thankfully, to make the trip more worthwhile, we were all able to stop at Mosby's in Mt. Joy yesterday for lunch. I have been addicted to their buffalo wings for nearly 25-years, since my cousin first introduced me to the place.

They make me sweat. They make my nose run. I end up a total mess with sauce all over the place. It's so great. And there is no one else that makes them like they do.

That was the highlight of my day.

Thanks to my Mom also for picking me up a robe to wear into treatments. Unfortunately the pink robes supplied by the hospital were not exactly manufactured for a six-foot, four-inch man.

It was kind of funny when I changed into my robe and was called back for treatments. My Mom picked out a really nice robe, real plush and soft. The nurses right away had their hands all over it, admiring it, saying how soft and nice it was.

Then they told me it was too plush and wouldn't work at all because I was originally set-up and measured for radiation in a little, thin pink robe, not a big plush one like this.

But we worked it out - I have to wear the robe backwards everyday. Jeesh, what is it with hospitals and these robes that close in the back?

Well at least I have a robe that doesn't end half way down my thigh. (Sorry for that mental picture.)

It will be back in for radiation today. We'll see how it treats me.

I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable New Year's Eve.

Here We Go

Wow! I actually slept through the night last night. That was good.

Today I have to start my radiation routine at the cancer center to treat the growth in my right hip. The radiation is a quick and simple procedure. The burden of it is having to do it every day for a period of weeks.

I have a general fear of the radiation, solely because of what I went through when I had to endure a month of whole brain radiation. I know the radiation to the hip is going to be much simpler, and will be done in half the time, but I will always be a bit hesitant. The whole brain radiation was the worst thing I've ever gone through in my life. Just walking into that department brings back some tough memories.

Basically, today, they'll call me back to a waiting area where I change into a robe. Then they call me back to the radiation area where I jump up on a table and lay on my back. My feet are strapped in and they line up my exact position on the table. When everything is in place they turn on the radiation for a minute or two and I'm done. That's it.

Today is what they call "picture day," which is basically a dry run. Then the actual radiation treatments will start tomorrow.

Overall I've been feeling a little better. I still need to get through the Gamma Knife next week to treat the one small spot in the brain. I have had to start taking a strong steroid known as Decadron to control swelliing in my brain. I've had experiences with all of this before.

The chemo Sutent, though, gives me reason to be positive. I can tell that it is working. An enlarged lymph node on my neck has been breaking down, and the tumors that appeared on my scalp have really diminished in size.

I've got some weeks of treatments and recoveries ahead of me. But I am feeling confident that I can get this cancer back under control after it ran wild for a couple of weeks.

Too Much

The last couple nights I've been waking up around 3:00 a.m. wide awake. I sneak downstairs and try not to disturb Barb too much.

It's quiet and a nice time to think.

Last night I got a really strong flashback from my college years. It was about violence, violence around the world, and how it has always haunted me.

I was pretty sheltered growing up. My parents kept us away from the news and I'm thankful for that. There really is no reason a 10-year-old needs to know all about the Vietnam War.

But later in high school, and especially in college, I immersed myself in studying social issues and how humans interacted with one another. One thing that formented strongly in my mind, and truly often disturbed me, was the amount of hate and violence in the world. It was too much. When I really started to study the world around me, one big thing I learned was that it really is a cruel world we live in.

I couldn't understand it.

For me, the benefits of peace, love and understanding were as obvious as the benefits of breathing, of life itself. Yet there was war and killing and hate everywhere.

Africa was enslaved, and humans sold as goods. Then over half-a-million died in a war to reverse the tragedy. There has always been fighting and needless violence and death, completely non-sensical acts really. Blankets were given to American Indians purposely laced with small-pox. Individuals commit horrible acts of cruelty to others. Why?

It's always haunted me. I don't understand why.

One thing I do know. And one thing that has always kept me going, and kept hope in my heart. There are more good people than bad. There are more good people with love in their hearts and souls then there are people filled with hate.

Sometimes you have to look around. Good people do not make the news headlines as much as bad people. But they are out there...everywhere...and they still make up the majority of us.

My struggle with cancer has really shined a light on all of the good people around me. It has made me more aware also of all the good that does go on in this world, quietly and anonymously. It does a lot to reduce the hauntings of hate in this world that have always baffled and confused me.

Rest, Food, and Medicine

Our neighbor stopped by yesterday and brought us a platter full of Christmas cookies. She's been having her own tough year and we spent a little time catching up and exchanging our stories.

Then Alyssa and Charlie stopped over for burgers last night and brought us another platter of Christmas cookies, pulled together by Charlie's Mom Maria. We had a nice visit and tried to name a kitten they're adopting this afternoon. We came up with 1,367 names but none were selected.

This morning I was up at 4:30 a.m., feeling wide awake. I was feeling a little hungry, so I started eating Christmas cookies. I'll tell you what...Maria knows Christmas cookies.

After filling my belly with cookies, feeding Freckles, and making coffee for Barb, suddenly I started falling asleep in the living room around 6:30 a.m., and next thing you know I was up in bed for another hour or two of sleep.

I did the same thing yesterday too (shrugging shoulders). I'm just going to go with the flow. If I'm awake at 3:30 a.m. I'll get up. If I'm tired at 10:00 a.m. I'll go to sleep. Whatever it takes.

I don't want to be overly optimistic, because cancer is whacky and unpredictable, but I was enthused yesterday to notice what I believe is the chemo working. The lymph node in my neck, and the lumps on my head, all seemed significantly smaller yesterday and that smaller size is consistent this morning.

Like I said though, I don't want to get too excited. I do know that I'm in for some weeks of hard work to even get the cancer back to a manageable level again.

I do want to get more productive. But I'm going to have to take it as I can. My "to do" list gets longer everyday, and I have a pile of stuff on my desk to catch up with right now.

Freckles reminds me to relax and take it easy on myself though. Right now he's two rooms away and I can still hear him snoring from here.

Trying to Pull it Back Together

Sorry I haven't blogged in a couple of days. I do hope everyone had a Merry Christmas.

When the chemo Torisel stopped working a few weeks ago it left me in quite a mess. The cancer took advantage and certainly did spread.

Over Christmas I started to feel a little shaky. I was getting dizzy, losing my balance, and generally feeling a lot of pressure building up in my head. I soon concluded that I was getting some swelling in my brain.

Friday I had an appointment with the radiation oncologist and talked to him about my condition. He prescribed me Decadron, a strong steroid that I have taken before to relieve these symptoms. I started taking them immediately, and it does seem to be making a difference. I'll have to watch this closely in the days ahead.

Yesterday I also had a bone scan. I was fortunate to receive the results of those by the end of the day. And the scan showed that I did not have cancer in any bone area except for the right hip bone, which was already known. So that was good news.

I did get three tattoos yesterday. That was the biggest surprise of the day.

I once pleaded with Alyssa not to get a tattoo, and now here I am getting three.

I was set-up yesterday in the radiation oncology department for radiation treatments to my right hip. The goal is to kill the cancer there, and thus kill the pain. To mark my exact placement on the radiation table the technician marked me with three permanent dots - tattoos.

There 'ya go. Now I know what a tattoo needle feels like. (Compared to what I've been through...that's nothing.)

The radiation treatments to the right hip will start on Tuesday and occur everyday for 10-days.

I am focused on everything I need to do to try to get back to the optimum health that I possibly can.

But I did not let it take over my Christmas. I had a wonderful time with my family and with Barb's family. And I had a wonderful Christmas Day here with Barb.

Celebrate Culture

A few years ago, a family in a Lebanon County school district threatened to sue the district over their planned Christmas program. The family was Jewish and said they were offended by a Christian-based Christmas program.

Taking the threat of a lawsuit seriously, the school board decided to cancel the Christmas program.

We've all heard stories like this over the past decade or so. What a shame it is.

I do understand that this is a diverse world, full of many different cultures and many different beliefs. I don't understand why people want to squash all of those cultures into one empty, generic, pulp of nothingness.

This Jewish family may have chose instead to request a Jewish song be included in the program. They may have organized their own separate Jewish concert.

To me, the more culture the better. But, please don't try to rid me of my culture or my beliefs.

I am very strong in my faith and my beliefs. I am proud of my culture and my upbringing and heritage.

But at the same time I love to explore other cultures, other beliefs, other backgrounds and heritages and how they developed and grew, or disappeared.

My faith is strong. There is no fear that I will find something that I suddenly like more. Fear is what creates racism, bigotry, and religious intolerance. I approach each day without fear, wanting to learn. One thing I have learned is that it only makes my own beliefs stronger.

It's disappointing to see our society try to rid itself of all its rich cultures. We should be celebrating them instead.

Merry Christmas everyone! Christ our Saviour has been born!

One Pill Makes You Larger, and One Pill Makes You Small

I'm still trying to figure out how to best balance out my latest grouping of medications.

So far I take the chemo Sutent every night between dinner and bedtime, and so far that has been working out just fine. That is the one pill that is not optional and needs a strict regimen. Eventually the Sutent will wear me down and make me feel constantly fatiqued. But it's still in its early stages at this point.

From there I have two different pain pills, one anxiety pill, and one sleeping pill. The trick is to take the pills in an order that keeps me alert and energized during the day, while letting me sleep at night.

So far, I've discovered that the one pain pill works great on the pain caused by the cancer in the bone of my right hip.

The other pain pill is an anti-inflammatory which really helps reducing the swelling around the cancer "bump" on the back of my head.

The one that works best on my hip can make me very drowsy. The one that works best on my head can actually keep me restless when I'm trying to sleep at night.

I don't feel a lot of anxiety, ok maybe a little, but the anxiety pill I've kind of used to help me relax at night in hopes of a sound night sleep.

The sleeping pills just arrived yesterday.

Last night I decided to take one pain pill to handle the soreness in my hip. Then a bit later I decided to add the other pain pill to take care of the pain and swelling along the back of my head. Then to top things off I took a sleeping pill just before bed.

WOW! Did I sleep. Actually I slept too long. I woke up at 5 a.m. and by 6 a.m. I gave up and went back to bed until 8:30 a.m. For two-hours more I sat up and still worked to shake-off the sleepiness.

So, one thing has been decided - no sleeping pills unless I'm desperate for sleep.

As far as the pain pills go, I don't know what to do. I can certainly take the pain pills that don't make me sleepy during the day, but then my hip will be quite sore (and trust me on this one, this thing hurts).

Or I can take the pain pills that work on the hip, accept the reality of a mid-day nap, and take the day from there.

I don't know.

Hopefully through the first two-weeks of January I'll have gone through radiation and surgical treatments that will remove the sources of the pain. Then I can just add all of these medications to the drawer full of other medications I've taken through this past year and beyond.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

We had an absolutely, positively, fantastic time yesterday celebrating an early Christmas at my parents' house in Myerstown.

Yesterday, for me, was yet another reminder of how blessed I truly am. Even amongst the cancer and the pain pills my heart is warmed by such special people around me.

Our first blessing yesterday was simply the lack of snow. The weather folks were really pumping the doom and gloom going into Sunday. But it proved to be an easy travel day for us.

Now I'm used to being a guy who takes things on his shoulders and carries. It seemed quite odd to me to have Charlie and Alyssa drive Barb and I to Myerstown. But I am so grateful to them for doing this. It certainly made the day much easier on me, and allowed me to relax and enjoy it.

I must mention the surprise Alyssa pulled on me. Around 1989 I bought a used 12-string acoustic guitar while I was living and working in Philadelphia. In the past few years it has drifted out of shape, out of tune, and was even missing a couple strings. With her Mom's help she snuck the guitar out of the house, had it completely refinished and restrung and then surprised me with it yesterday.

"Does it look OK," she asked.

"It's never looked this good," I answered with a broad smile. I was very, very touched.

Everyone was in good spirits all day. My parents worked hard, as usual, to bring us kids another memorable Christmas.

Charlie likes Sanders Fudge from Detroit so much that my Mom bought him the super-large size can. When he unwrapped it, he was so excited he had Alyssa take a picture of him and the can of fudge. It was Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

My parents dog, Noelle the three-legged Bichon, was as usual, a major source of attention and entertainment. I wore my bear paw slippers, primarily for cancer comfort, but also for the smiles. I didn't anticipate that Noelle would have attacked them, although I should have.

Charlie decided to hang out on the floor a little bit, in kindness to give up his seat to another. What he didn't anticipate was the floor was Noelle's turf and she started jumping all over him. You had to see it to truly appreciate it.

And Jamie and my sister's daughter Heather was in full show, smiling broadly from ear to ear.

I had plenty to just sit back and take-in all day, a wonderful day of family getting together, in a time where it seems harder and harder to do so.

Thanks Mom. Thanks Dad. Thanks everyone.

Christmas at Grandma's House

"Over the river and through the woods, to Grandmother's house we go. The horse knows the way, we're in the sleigh, and I'm tickling Barb's big toe."

OK, OK, lol, I don't know all the words.

We're heading to my parents house today, up on the hill in Myerstown, to celebrate Christmas. We were very concerned that the forecasted snow and ice would keep us away. But it looks like we'll get a clear safe ride over and back. I think the weathermen and women like to draw a lot of attention to themselves this time of year. It really doesn't look like we're going to get an inch of snow, or even close to the three-inches they were calling for.

I'm ready to drive the FJ Cruiser over if the roads are threatening at all. But since everything looks like it will be pretty good, I might ask Alyssa and Charlie if they would mind driving while I relax in the back of their ultra-comfy all-wheel drive BMW.

Barb and I only have one present in the sled, and it's for Heather, my sister's child. I can't wait to see her face when she opens it. I know I couldn't stop playing with it, so I'm hoping it has the same effect on her. It's a "Miss Kitty" keyboard that has all kinds of neat effects attached to it. It even records your playing and singing. And the topper is a "meow" mode where all the keys make different "meow" sounds.

I almost kept that one for myself. lol

My brother and I had a washer and dryer installed in our parents garage so they didn't have to lug the laundry up and down from the basement any longer. It's a gift that is a couple of years over due.

I was hoping to see the washer and dryer in action today. But the electrician got called off to a larger job and took off before finishing this job. It drives me crazy when contractors do this, and they seem to do it more often than not.

Otherwise we're all looking forward to being together as family in the house I was raised in, surrounded by so many familiar things.

Of course, we cannot forget the longing for my Mom's "untraditional" Christmas feast: burgundy (boozy) chicken; detroit-style potato salad; olive balls; shrimp cocktail; and lots of other bits and bites.

It's nice to split up the Christmas holiday over a few days. The days of running to three or four different homes in one day just made it all to stressful and hectic. Plus the birth of our Christ and Saviour is something worth celebrating everyday...and I do.

It's a Good Day

First I'd like to thank my Mom for traveling through terrible weather today to come pick us up in Marietta and get Barb and I to my doctor appointments. I understand she ran into some icy conditions on the way home. I'm so glad she's home safe and sound.

She probably returned to a big lick in the face from their pooch, and well, probably one from my Dad too.

I know that the trials that I've been through have been tough on my Mom. I do feel sorry for putting her, and others, through this. I do want her, and everyone to know that it is alright to cry.

For those around my Mom, please offer her a shoulder, please offer her a hug, please hold her up when she's feeling down.

I try to convince everyone that's so special around me to rally together. There is strength in numbers. No one should stand isolated in their pain, or their joy.

I know my Mom puts on an exterior of a really tough cookie. But like most tough cookies, she's all soft and mushy on the inside.

Please reach out to her, everyone.

I did want my Mom to witness the care environment that I am in. I wanted her to meet the doctors, see the nurses and staff in action. I think she was impressed with what she saw.

It's strange. I don't quite understand how it happens. But I tend to be a memorable character. My Mom summed it up simply, "It's because you're a giant!"

That may be. But when I walk into the cancer center it's like Norm walking into the fictional TV bar Cheers. I guess I've spent as much time at the cancer center as Norm has spent at Cheers.

Considering the mess I am in, we had what we consider to be good news today, and a good visit with the doctors.

Obviously when the chemo Torisel stopped working, the cancer went on a spreading frenzy. Today will be my fifth day on the new chemo Sutent, and a lot right now lies in Sutent's hands.

There was good news on the brain. There is only one very small tumor in my brain, the size of a pen tip. The radiation doctor wants to put that to the Gamma Knife and obliterate it as soon as possible. It appears as if that will be January 7th.

The right hip bone is going to receive approximately a 10-day radiation treatment to kill the cancer there. That will happen as soon as possible too to prevent the cancer from putting the bone at risk for fracture.

The two bumps on my head, everyone today concluded, are cancerous. The larger bump on the back of my head seems to extend underneath the skin a little over an inch. The oncologist's first reaction was to let the chemo work on drying these bumps up. But when I explained to him how painful and annoying the bump on the back of my head has been to me, he didn't hesitate to recommend surgery to cut it out. So I'll be heading to a plastic surgeon soon also to have this addressed.

Everything else, neck, lungs, liver and kidney, for now is in the hands of Sutent.

I know it sounds kind of silly to consider Gamma Knife radiation, regular radiation, and surgery, good news. But it is to me. I'm just thrilled that something can be done.

In the meantime I have pain killers and the spirit and joy of Christmas to get me through - not to mention my Mom's famous Boozy Chicken.

Cold, Rain and Snow

The way it's going it looks like we might end up with a white Christmas one way or another.

Through the end of this week there are two days it is not allowed to snow, Friday, the day of two important doctor appointments, and Sunday, the day of the planned Albert family Christmas get-together.

So far the weather dudes and dudettes are predicting snow for only two days, Friday and Sunday.

Grrrrrr.

Actually Friday is now looking like we'll have snow and sleet in the north of the state, but just rain down here in the south. You have to watch the weather people this time of year. They know people are starting to watch them more and they get a little over excited.

As far as Sunday goes, they're basing their predictions on a storm system that just dropped snow on Las Vegas. That's pretty far away. So we'll just have to watch that one.

I do have the four-wheel drive FJ sitting out back just ready to drive in this foul weather. But the doc won't let me drive just yet. I just sit in the house and stare at it, with my nose pressed up against the window.

I did sleep better last night, at least a little better. It wasn't a great sound sleep that left me feeling fresh and anew when I awoke. But it was better than the previous night.

The weird bump on the back of my head is driving me nuts. If the doc doesn't have plans for its removal come tomorrow's appointment, I'm going to introduce a few plans of my own. How about tying one end of a string to the bump and the other end to Freckles, and then have Susie enter the room and Freckles will tear up the stairs hopefully with weird bump in tow?

Well, I'll think of something. Sorry, I'm a cartoonist. lol

Today I'll organize my questions and my gameplan for the doctors tomorrow. I seem to be the only patient who comes in with a typed list of current medications, subjects to review, and plenty of questions. I usually print out two copies, one for me and one for the doctor. My family doctor always chuckles, and last time he said, "You know, everybody should do this."

All I know is if I didn't do it I would forget something. I've always thought that test results should be provided to patients before a visit, rather than during a visit. That way I would have time to review the test results myself and be more interactive with the doctor.

Some doctors act like your medical records and test results are private, not for you to see. They are private. And they are your property. You have every right to see them.

Well I'm going to go chase Freckles around and give him his morning exercise, probably wear us both out, then we'll both be sharing the bed for a little mid-day nap.

Blah Wednesday

I didn't sleep at all last night. I lied there from about 8:30 p.m. until about 2:30 a.m., just rolling from side to side, trying so hard to just drift off into dreamland - but nothing.

Finally I hopped downstairs and took two Tylenol and an anxiety pill. It helped me drift off, but in an hour I awoke in a cold sweat. After walking that off I managed to sneak a couple more hours of sleep in before waking up at 6 a.m.

I was a zombie, and I still am.

I don't know exactly what is causing my random sleepless nights. I think part of it is not being able to get comfortable. The pain in my hip has been getting worse and worse. And the strange knots on my head make it entirely impossible to get comfy. One thing I intend to make very clear to the oncologist on Friday is that those bumps HAVE to go.

I feel like I could go right back for a nap, right now. But I'm afraid I'd mess up my chances of a good sleep tonight. So I'm hanging out on the La-Z-Boy with one eye open.

I had gone back to bed for a little over two hours this morning while Susan and Bill kindly took Barbie to the butcher, the baker, and the candlestick maker. We are now well stocked through the New Year - yes, the pork and sauerkraut is in the house.

Thanks Susan and Bill!

I have now fully started the Sutent. I'm under the impression that we won't wait for the Sutent to have an affect on the hip, but will go after it with radiation as soon as they can schedule me. I'll find that out for sure though on Friday.

I am afraid though that they're going to wait to see if the Sutent does anything for the weird bumps on my head. I'm going to try to talk them out of that. These things are strange and they hurt, red bumps, the largest of two the size of a dime, and the oncologist hinted that they were cancerous. Did anyone ever hear of topical cancer bumps (excluding maybe skin cancer)?

A Little Confused

My oncologist called me yesterday to check-in and see how I was doing.

That's one very unique and special thing about this oncologist. There are only so many doctors these days that would take the time out of their busy schedules to do that.

I told him that I was doing pretty good. I have a lot of aches all over my body, I told him. But I assumed that was my body going through transition from 19-months of chemo to no chemo at all. He agreed.

I also told him that I was planning on seeing my family doctor today who was planning on taking a biopsy from one of the two mystery lumps on my head.

"Two lumps," he asked.

Yes there were now two lumps, one on the lower back of my scalp, and one on the left side just above my forehead.

The oncologist suddenly did an about face. He did not think much of my one lump when he saw it. He called it a possible wart. But now that he heard there were two he now thought that it was cancer.

I never heard of topical cancer bumps on the scalp so I politely questioned him. He told me that it is quite common, especially in kidney cancer cases.

He also didn't want my family doctor taking a biopsy from either of the lumps, although he didn't really explain why. And I remain confused about that. But I'm going to follow my oncologist's wishes and I cancelled today's appointment with the family doctor.

I also questioned my oncologist for a little more clarification on the involvement in the brain. Afterall that is the most crucial area that needs attention. I was under the impression that there were numerous spots in the brain. But yesterday the oncologist told me that there was just one, one small spot. I made him repeat that to me again.

Any lesions in the brain are serious, but one is definitely the best number of all. One is fairly easy to treat with the Gamma Knife, a unique, futuristic device that spot treats specific areas of the brain with radiation, sparing healthly cells.

This is going to be a very detailed area of discussion on Friday with both the radiation oncologist and the oncologist. One fear of mine is that advent of one small spot is just a signal of more to come. We, ideally, need to make sure that spread to the brain is complete before going after them. You can only hit the brain with radiation so many times before you're turned into a vegetable. And let's face it, I wasn't too far off to begin with!

Today Central PA is under a winter weather advisory, and the sleet has already shown itself in Marietta. It's a good day to stay inside, maybe take a nap with Freckles, and I think I might.

Ready for Action

I haven't been feeling too bad the past few days. I feel a little worn down, and I definitely have a lot of aches from head to toe. But I've certainly felt worse at times.

I am hoping that the new chemo Sutent shows up today. It's due to be delivered although I don't know by what carrier. If it doesn't show up by late this afternoon I will be making a call to California to try to politely inquire about its progress. As soon as it does arrive, I will begin to take it immediately.

Sutent does have its work cut out for it: neck; both lungs; liver; kidney; hip. It has been the most popular and most successful drug used against kidney cancer in recent times though. But like all the other recent drug advances, Sutent too reaches a point where it stops working.

The biggest concern right now is, of course, the activity in the brain. There is a blood barrier between the brain and the rest of the body, and how blood passes through that barrier is still quite a mystery to medical science.

That means that there is no guarantee that the chemo Sutent will reach the brain to have any effect. And that leaves doctors with choices of only radiation or surgery to treat tumors in the brain. Both have limitations. You can only radiate the brain so many times before it's excessively damaged. Surgery can only be conducted in one area of the brain at a time. So if there are multiple tumors, they better be right next to each other or forget about it.

We're not due to meet with the radiology oncologist until Friday morning to find out all the information on my case. From my understanding, the hamster is still on the wheel. But there are some issues. Whether or not they'll be able to deal with those issues, we just won't know until Friday.

I think all the aches I have been feeling are mainly the cause of my body coming off of 19-months of constant chemo. It feels like some body mass is trying to restore itself, and that doesn't come without some growing pains.

Today I'm going to try to get in to see my family doctor so he can examine the strange bumps on my head. One is quite small, one is about the diameter of a dime, both are red, and I've never experienced anything like them. He said he could take a sample and have it looked at so we'd know what it was by the time we met with the oncologist again on Friday.

It kind of worries me 'cause he's always offering to cut a tiny piece of me off to have examined. LOL He has been an outstanding family doctor that has never left us down.

Barb and I love to hear from folks right now, it keeps our mind off all the realities we're facing. We can't thank Alyssa and Charlie enough, as well as both Moms, for keeping us active and positive and strong. Also we can't thank them enough for getting us around since I've been grounded and am not allowed to drive until the activity in the brain is rectified. THANKS!

Lucky Man

I look back at everything I've had to go through the past couple years and I think to myself, my am I such a fortunate man, truly blessed.

To have such wonderful friends and family around me, who've supported me without question or hesitation, it's truly unbelieveable.

I just wish I could give as much as I've received. My largest regret is all the hardship I've put those loved ones around me through. They deserve much better.

Everything I've learned, everything I am, is a result of my friends and family around me. I try to be a sponge and absorb all of the love and wisdom from all of those I've been fortunate to be around.

Hopefully I've left positive impressions in return. But I'll never feel like I've done enough.

As this week's news came out, I was especially grateful for Alyssa's kindness, reaching out to both myself and her Mom. As I broke the news to her, the first thing she said was, "Can I come over?"

"You never have to ask," I told her. "Of course you can."

We've been thankful for all the time we've been able to spend in recent days with Alyssa and Charlie, as well as Barb's Mom Susan (and not just because she brought us doughnuts). They've all kept our minds occupied, our spirits high, and our smiles broad.

I am one lucky man.

Thank you all, both near and far, for all the love and support you've offered us, more than we both feel we ever deserved.

That Wasn't Supposed to Happen

Well so much for my luck changing. I learned yesterday, from the results of my brain MRI, that the cancer has returned to my brain.

That's not good.

I'm officially a mess. The cancer is now almost everywhere. It's in my brain, in my neck, in my lungs, in my liver, in my kidney, and in my bones. I don't have to explain to anyone that that is just not good at all.

I've always been a pretty big, dumb, guy who can take some hard knocks. And I'm taking these knocks, so far, in stride. Quite frankly, after all I've been through, nothing surprises me anymore, no bad news shocks me. Plus, I always knew the fate of kidney cancer patients whose cancer spreads - there is no cure.

My faith is very strong. My philosophy is simple - to make the most of every day until God calls me, and when he does I must go.

So until that moment I am still putting up a fight, even in the dire shape I am in.

You know you're not doing well when the doctor eagerly provides you with large bottles of pain pills.

The radiology doctor will consult with me on Friday morning. We'll discuss what can or cannot be done in the brain. I've had both spot Gamma Knife treatment to the brain, and whole brain radiation already. You can only have whole brain radiation once or it will damage your brain cells so bad you'd be left a vegetable. So the only possible option is the Gamma Knife. But that is rife with potential pitfalls too.

Monday my new chemo should arrive here at the house and I'll start taking it immediately.

I'm going to try to meet with my family doctor early this week so he can sample a portion of these lumps on my head and get them through pathology.

I'll also be looking to meet with my urologist to get his definitive opinion on what's going on in my remaining kidney.

And the week will wrap up with another pow-wow with my oncologist.

I'm going to keep fighting.

Can Feel My Luck Changing

I'm still a mess. I still have a sore hip and a sore lower back. I still have a strange lump on the back of my head and a bump inside my lower lip. I'm still having trouble getting comfortable enough to sleep well at night. But I can feel things starting to turn for the better.

The main turn around happened late yesterday afternoon when we heard from our oncologist's office that we had been approved to receive Sutent chemotherapy through Pfizer's patience assistance program.

We had to promise that we could not afford a %5,000 a month co-pay for the drug. Well no problem there.

The coordination of the dispensing of the drug to us must still be worked out. As soon as everything is in order we'll pick up our first month's supply and I'll begin to take it immediately.

The Sutent is taken for one month, followed by two-weeks off. One complete "cycle" is considered to be three-months. The oncologist wants to do follow-up CT scans after each full cycle, or every three-months.

The side-effects of Sutent are similar to Nexavar, but not identical. We'll see how that goes. I may need additional medicines to manage the side-effects of the new chemo, but I do try to keep the overall medicines I take down to a bare minimum.

Sometime around noon today we should receive the results of yesterday's brain MRI. I know a clean MRI will make Barb and I both breathe a nice sigh of relief. I really do not think that I have much to worry about with the MRI. But, you know how it goes, I won't count my chickens before they're hatched. We'll wait and see.

Then I need to address this odd bump on the back of my head. It's become a major discomfort in my attempts to get comfy and sleep well at night.

I also need to have this little bump on the inside of my bottom lip addressed. At this point I'm not sure if that will fall under a doctor's or a dentist's care.

And last but not least I'll need to have the mystery object in my remaining kidney resolved. Four doctors so far have had very different takes on this object. Three doctors feel that it isn't cancer. Two doctors feel that it's non-threatening and not worth worrying about. I need to find the definitive answer and I'm thinking that will come from the urologist who hasn't had a chance to weigh-in on the subject yet.

I feel more "normal" this morning than I have the rest of this week. So I'm going to stay in the house, and stay out of the cold, rain and snow, and try to get some small stuff done around here. I still have some packages to wrap, and some packages to track.

Yes, (hanging head) I did give another gift to Barb early - a jewelry armoire. I just can't help myself.

Quick Updates

It's a cold, rainy, miserable day in Pennsylvania. Alyssa picked us up just before 8:30 a.m. and took me into a local health center for an MRI of my brain.

The MRI is meant to be a pre-cautionary measure that my oncologist ordered after I experienced some spreading of the cancer. He grounded me until we get the results from the MRI tomorrow. With a good result from the MRI I'll be back behind the wheel of the FJ and driving again.

When I was done with the MRI I sat up on the table and looked at the tech and asked, "Is the hamster still on the wheel?"

I at least got a smile out of her. From the beginning she really didn't look like she wanted to be at work.

It's been my experience that if the MRI does reveal something the tech let's the radiologists know and I hear something back pretty quick. I haven't heard anything yet, so I take that as good news. But there really isn't any value in guessing. Tomorrow we will get the results.

The pursuit of Sutent continues, and progress does seem to be happening in acquiring this chemo drug. I called earlier today and politely asked if there was anything I could do to expedite the process. That alone seemed to help get things going.

Also a nurse from the oncology office has been in direct discussions with a counselor at Sutent. I spoke with her this afternoon and she had to pen a letter promising that we could not afford a $5,000 a month co-pay.

Jeesh. Who could afford that?

The kind helpful nurse at the oncology office feels that things will work out by early next week.

We'll take it from there.

And for getting me to the MRI today Alyssa, that's one BIG THANK YOU!

Turning My Luck Around

I've had a bit of an unlucky week so far. Just one of those things. Life isn't perfect. No big deal.

I already had enough pain in the hip from the cancer eating through my bone. But, of course, then I had to "tweak" my lower back by carrying some boxes of Christmas decorations up from the basement.

I'm a big, dumb, monkey man. What can I tell 'ya?

Plus this is the first time in some 19-months that I haven't been on some type of chemo. It's putting my body through a transition of sorts. All of the muscle mass that has disappeared on chemo is trying to recover and rebuild. Of course it doesn't happen overnight. And of course that kind of metamorphosis comes with some growing pains.

There's also some weird bump on the back of my head. The doctor didn't look at it very long because he was focused on so many other things. But when he called a couple of days later we asked him about it and he said he thought it might be some kind of wart.

Wart?

Well...whatever...it all just adds up to a lot of aches and pains for me this week. I feel pretty beat up like I was in one nasty alley fight.

It makes it difficult to find a comfortable position to sleep in. If I roll slightly onto my left hip, with my right leg pulled up slightly, and my right arm draped over my chest, I'm comfy. Any other position - forget about it.

To top it off, I started taking some steroids yesterday that the doctor prescribed to help build some weight back up. It was a bad move. One of the main side effects of the steroids is sleeplessness.

I didn't sleep at all last night.

It's goodbye to the steroids.

So I'm sore all over. I'm running on no sleep. And if this blog makes any sense at all it will only be by some form of miracle.

My goals today? Eat and sleep.

Hopefully by this afternoon we should learn whether we'll qualify for patient assistance so I can then start the new Sutent chemo asap.

Twinkle in the Eye

I enjoy my own stupidity. Sometimes I'll do things so dumb I really just can't help but to laugh.

That's us - the human race.

Our genius sometimes is simply remarkable, from the Great Pyramids to Hoover Dam. And our stupidity sometimes...well...

Did you ever notice that when someone gets a a good whiff of something and says, "Oooh, that stinks!" The first thing everyone does is take a big sniff too?

We can't help ourselves.

When a waitress brings a plate to our table and says, "Please be careful that plate is hot." What do we do? We touch it. We need to know exactly how hot it is.

It makes me laugh. I enjoy studying our own humanity.

It's important to smile. It's important to be able to laugh at yourself. Happiness is precious.

I went bowling once (I was really bored), and a gal went to take her turn. She had her steps down, pulled the bowling ball slowly back, then suddenly the bowling ball slipped from her hand, flew one-foot straight up into the air and plopped with a mighty crash to the floor.

She was humiliated.

I was laughing so hard. Oops.

Quite frankly, I wish I had been the one to let the bowling ball slip. I didn't mean to laugh at her or make her feel bad. I was enjoying our humanity.

Life can be crazy. Life can be sad. Life can be stressful. There will always be highs and lows, hills and valleys. I've always liked the idea of smiling through as much of it as possible, laughing out loud even.

I had a friend growing up that had such a big, belly laugh. I was jealous. His laugh was contagious. Once he started rolling everyone would be smiling and laughing with him. Everyone should have a great laugher around them I think.

Right now the Christmas tree is making me smile. It's perfect.

And as I walk toward the tree in my giant bear paw slippers, the slippers bring me a broad smile too.

Sure, fighting cancer can be tough, life in general can be tough, but I'm doing it in giant bear paw slippers...and you can't make me take them off. (smile)

Quick Update

Barb and I have punched out of work and are working on dinner.

Well Barb's making a homemade chicken pie and I'm sitting here drooling.

Today we did complete the application process to Pfizer to receive the chemo drug Sutent. We should receive word in 24 to 48 hours.

Appointments have been made to consult with a radiation doctor, and the oncologist, both on Friday of next week.

More tomorrow...

Ready...Set...

Monday Morning is here, and that means we must move into attack mode here in Marietta.

We need to get the Sutent, the chemotherapy. To get the Sutent we will have to qualify for a patience assistance program based on annual revenue, and I think we will.

To qualify we will first have to go through an application process that involves coordinated communiciations between the drug manufacturer, the oncologist, and us at Marietta Central Command.

As the eight o'clock bell rings we will spring into action. I will start by calling Aetna just to see if they've had a miraculous change of policy and are now offering Sutent at affordable costs. (The drug costs more than $5,000 a month.)

Confirming that Aetna will not cover this drug I will immediately start contacting Sutent's Patient Assistance Program to request an application, which they'll fax to us.

Barb is our official consult to our critical local contacts. She'll contact the oncologist's office early to alert them to the fax we will send, an application that they have to complete too so we can apply for Sutent.

Once the oncology staff have filled out their part of the form, they will fax it to Pfizer, and we'll all start calling Pfizer's program every seven minutes to see if the application was accepted.

My experience with these types of assistance programs has been good. So, although this will be the nervous part of the day, waiting for acceptance so I can receive the last drug currently available to stall my cancer, I am still positive.

If we manage to get the Sutent pills here by tomorrow I would consider our efforts today a tremendous success. If we get them here by Wednesday I'd still be happy. There is a sense of urgency to all of this. The cancer is just begging for a big right hook, daring me to knock it down, and I'm ready to give it one with Sutent.

Monster on the Move

I haven't blogged for a few days as I first tried to make sense of a few days of scans, tests, and appointments with doctors.

The CT scans of the chest, abdomen, and pelvis did reveal that the cancer is on the move, and has spread in recent weeks. This certainly wasn't what I wanted to learn. But I wasn't surprised either. Areas where the cancer had spread were areas recently that I suspected.

The Torisel chemotherapy has stopped working, and I'm now going to try to get on a chemotherapy known as Sutent. Since the drug cost more than $5,000 a month, I will be relying on a patience assistant program through Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company who manufacturers Sutent.

Here's the breakdown from the week...

The liver is somewhat stable. There were as many as three tumors in the liver previously. But now there is one tumor that is dying from the center out, and another new small tumor that has appeared.

The remaining kidney is a little bit of a puzzle. A growth in that kidney last scan was described as a "fatty tumor" and non-cancerous. One doctor told me that even a fatty tumor could be dangerous to the kidney. Another doctor said that fatty tumors never threaten the whole kidney. Regardless this growth is now five-millimeters larger than last scan, and requires more questioning of doctors by me. This growth has been very slowly evolving over quite some time.

The right hip is now a new discovery. The cancer is in the process of eating through part of my hip bone. I wasn't surprised by this because my hip has been slightly sore in kind of an odd fashion for at least the past six-weeks. I suspected that the cancer may have made its way there.

The rest of the mid-section is fine, and there are no lymph nodes involved in my abdomen or pelvis.

The chest has shown some additional cancer in the upper lobes of both lungs. The incidents are somewhat numerous (the radiologist did not specify) but all are quite small. There is a low density something in the lower lobe of the right lung, but the report felt that it could be caused by inflamation from a recent cold - which I did have.

And finally, the scan did account for some cancerous involvement in both lobes of the thyroid gland. This I had actually visited the doctor a couple weeks ago about, so I wasn't surprised. The doctor did not think anything was going on at the time. An ultra-sound of my thyroid showed nothing. But I'll tell you what, I know when my body is giving me signals.

The doctor seemed very concerned by this sudden documented activity. I think what surprised him most was the activity in the thyroid and in the bone of the hip. To be cautious he has ordered me to have an MRI of the brain this Thursday.

Also I am to meet with radiology this week to discuss at least hitting the hip bone with some radiation to try to stop it from moving any further through the bone. Perhaps the thyroid may become a radiation target also, after the new chemo has had a chance to work on it a bit.

I wasn't so surprised by all this news, as I mentioned, because I had suspected these areas for weeks now.

The oncologist visit on Friday was kind of surreal. I think the doctor was really stunned and that resulted in a more concerned reaction than I felt was necessary. But I'd certainly rather have the doctor erring on the side of caution.

Word spread quickly through the department and suddenly we were being hugged and consoled by nurses. The reaction was mixed between concern for my health, and saying goodbye to us since we wouldn't be visiting the chemo room for quite sometime again.

Friday night I slept off the news of the day. I awoke at two a.m. and was wide awake. I dug out the reports from the past two scans.

All of the cancerous growths throughout my body were still on the small side. I'd much rather have the growths in one single location, rather than six different. But were talking about all small lesions yet at this point.

The cancer in the hip could certainly become a problem. But plans were already in the process to hit that area with radiation to stop it, and add some medicine that would actually help to rebuild it.

The cancer in the thyroid could also go the route of radiation. But that could possibly burn my throat out pretty good. Hopefully the new chemo will have a positive effect on it.

The whole thing in the kidney just has to be figured out once and for all. If this growth is a threat to my kidney it could possibly be frozen in a semi-new process known as cryoblation. I must meet with the surgeon who originally removed by right kidney to discuss this further.

As for the lungs and the liver I'm going to be hoping the new chemo Sutent can really make an attack on those, and all areas.

I feel positive. But then I always will feel positive. That comes from my strong faith. It's amazing what strength you can truly pull from God. All you have to do is ask, and turn it over to Him.

The number one priority for Monday will be to pursue access to the Sutent chemotherapy drug so I can start taking it as soon as possible. It is a pill, taken once a day, for 28-days in a row, followed by 14-days off. Then you start the cycle all over again.

As this week moves on I'll keep you all apprised as to how things are progressing.

Today we're decorating our Christmas tree and the house in general. Barb and her Mom ran out yesterday afternoon, with snowflakes flying all around, and picked us out a perfect tree. Charlie and Alyssa visited to help us straighten out the tree and start to decorate a little.

The men sought perfection in the tree being straight up and down. The women were OK with a little leaning to the right.

Freckles approves of the tree.

It's a beautiful tree. I can't stop looking at it. It brings a warmth to me, and a nice, broad smile.

Could Be Worse

I really do not keep it much of a secret that I seriously dislike going to the grocery store.

I imagine that many people feel the same way because it seems to be a gathering place for rude behavior.

Sometime ago Barb and I made a pact that no matter how rude people around us were at the grocery store we were not going to be rude in return. We were going to make the most of it and just keep smiling. And we have done just that.

Yesterday was grocery day for us, once every two weeks, and it was the usual "joy" we've come to expect.

Over the past few months I've noticed that there are more and more "Mr. Moms" in the store, men towing a wee one with them while doing the grocery shopping for the family. I've taken this as yet another economic indicator.

Yesterday, for the first time, the grocery store easily had more men shopping then women.

We did our thing, and packed our cart. Both of us work together on a two-week menu. Then Barb creates a grocery list based on the menu and off we go. She picks out all of the items, while I control packing and pushing the cart. I work very hard to stay out of everyone's way.

The price of gas was to blame when the cost of groceries sky-rocketed some months ago. We've noticed that now that gas prices have fallen sharply, the price of groceries have remained high. Our bill certainly reflected that.

We worked our way through check-out and packed the FJ with our grocery bags. We snuck back home across back country roads. I carry everything into the house. Barb puts everything away.

As soon as everything was put away Barb said, "We're missing the sour cream and the ricotta cheese." She was not pleased.

Everytime we go to the grocery store we forget one thing - everytime. I think that's a pretty darn good percentage though. This time it was the salad supreme seasoning. But we did not forget the sour cream or ricotta cheese. We both distinctly remember getting it and paying for it, and right there it was on the receipt.

It seemed like a bag of groceries was missing. Barb looked everywhere. She checked out the FJ Cruiser - nothing. Finally she called the store, and yes the bagger forgot to put one bag into our cart. The bagger had turned it over to the customer service desk. Barb was told that they'd be happy to hold it for her, if she wanted to come back to the store for it.

We're both kind of worn out after the grocery trip, especially me, and we weren't about to immediately run right back up to the store. We decided to wait until about four or five p.m. and make the trip to retrieve our misplaced bag of groceries. Barb had figured out what was missing and it was much more than sour cream and ricotta cheese.

Running our own business we have the luxury of building our own schedules. This allows us to go to the grocery store on a weekday morning when most people are at work.

But we still find the store to be crowded despite our attempts to avoid peak hours. We felt it was crowded yesterday even though it was a Monday at 10 a.m.

As we closed in on the grocery store around 4:30 p.m. yesterday, to retrieve our lost bag of groceries, we couldn't believe our eyes.

The parking lot was completely full. People were driving around waiting for someone to leave so they could slide into a parking space. The scene was insane. It was complete chaos and disorder. All rules of driving, like driving in the right lane were disgarded. Handicapped parking spots were free game for all drivers.

I dropped Barb off at the front door and by some small miracle I was able to find myself a nice parking spot with little effort. It just fell into my lap.

I sat back and watched the scene. It was insane. Quite frankly I can't believe that I didn't witness some kind of fender bender or accident. I do know that everyone looked mad, not a smile in sight anywhere.

Barb was back out of the grocery store before long, with our lost bag of groceries, and the salad supreme seasoning we originally forgot to get. The great thing about having a big, bright yellow truck is that Barb can always easily find me.

We were off and back onto our country roads.

Barb and I were discussing the mad scene back at the store. It was only Monday night. Imagine what that place looks like on a Saturday morning.

Right then we both realized, you know we complain about the grocery store all the time. But imagine if we didn't have flexibility in our schedule and we had to go at peak hours like so many other people do.

It just goes to show - no matter how awful you think a situation is, no matter how terrible you think something is for you, there's always someone who has it worse.

What a good lesson for life. Instead of worrying about what you don't have, focus on all that you are blessed by.

Wild Lesson in Love

Some of you may have seen this news over the weekend. Two gentlemen raised a lion since it was a tiny cub until it was one-year-old, when it became too large to handle any longer.

The two decided to try to introduce the lion back into the wilds of Africa. And they did.

After another year went by they both decided to try to visit "Christian" their once pet lion. They headed to Africa against the warnings of many.

Many warned that the lion was now wild, and would not recognize them as anything else but food.

Here's what happened...


Christian the Lion - Watch the best video clips here

Love truly does know no boundaries!