Pardon Me...

Please pardon me, while take some time off from blogging. I should posted this sometime ago. It can be difficult to handle this the same way it had been done before. I hope at some point in the near future, I can continue to manage this somewhat better.

Kitty Sitting

Alyssa and Charlie left for vacation this morning, they usually do this around their anniversary. They are headed south and I don't blame them. So I get to kitty-cat watch and bunny rabbit watch. I know how Alyssa is, she will worry about them the whole time she is gone. I just told her not to worry and just to enjoy their break. I have Chester, Misty and Cinnabon to care for. They are all adorable. Gaetano and I will be splitting the task of caring for them. I am glad I am able to help.

Also Happy Birthday to my niece Jade, she is 18 today.

I will probably go for a bike ride this morning and take care of other things as the day goes. Take care of everyone.

Very Chilly Morning

As it feels like a fall morning outside, it is difficult to believe fall is almost upon us. I continue to try and back to the usual things in life, sometimes easier than others. The biggest accomplishment has been the drivers license, but my heart still heart aches beyond what I can explain.

I never look forward to the cooler months of the year, but that is just the way it happens to be.

Unfortunately Jim's Uncle Rhea passed away this week and had been dealing with quite a few problems for quite some time. I was only able to be around him a few times and enjoyed those times, he was a character.

I did enjoy being with my daughter on her birthday (25), that makes me feel ancient. It was a good thing.

All of you take care and thank you for your support.

Happy Anniversary - By Jim 2007

Barb, I've known since the first time I met you that I wanted to be with you.

I've known since the first time we met, that you were perfect for me.

Sometimes in life the bells ring, the signals all alarm, and you just know something is so right.

That is how it has always been for me with you.

I feel we fit togehter like a glove. Perfect.

Your strengths are my weaknesses. You compliment me, support me, uphold me in every way.

I've found perfect love within us, and I will hold on to it forever.

You are each day's sunrise and sunset for me.

I live and give my life for you, totally, in every way.

There are a lot of unknowns in life.

...but I treasure the fact that I can hold in my heart...

...the guarantee that it's you and me forever.

I love you more than you can possibly imagine!

Happy Anniversary!

*I feel that Jim would not have minded my sharing this with those that Jim knew well enough the kind of person that Jim was*

August 1st Already

I cannot believe it August 1st. I have begun painting the kitchen ceiling and will continue with trim and walls. This is one of many things that Jim and I had wanted to get accomplished. We had done the living room and it had turned out just the way we had wanted it to.

My road test is September 1st and I hopeful that all will work out.

I know Jim will continue to watch over me and the entire family, in the things we continue to do in our lives.

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy Birthday Dad, to someone I have admired over the years and that has taught me alot. He has been a great help to Jim and I during the times Jim was to ill to do certain things and continues to do so.

All My Love,
Barbara

Concert Tonight

Going(myself Alyssa and Charlie) to the Dave Matthews Band Concert tonight, in Jim's honor. I am sure that his soul will be with us. He is a fan of them and also hoping to meet up with some of Jim's high school friends that are tailgating.

Love Ya Honey

Happy July 4th

Hope everyone has had a wonderful holiday weekend so far. I cannot believe it is July 4th already. I had spent some time with my family last evening, which a good thing of course.

Happy July 4th Jim, you have all kinds of reasons to celebrate!!! Love you and miss you!!!

World Cup Soccer

Watching USA against Ghana, unfortunately Ghana has scored first. I will continue to root for USA, as I know Jim is doing also.

Happy Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day to my dad, over the years and now, when fix-ups need to be done around the house. (things I can't handle) Dad knows I love him very much.

Happy Fathers Day to Jim's dad, for also being such a great father to Jim, Karen and Doug. I wish I would have known somewhat sooner.

Happy Fathers Day to Jim, for being such a great role model for Alyssa. We love you and miss you. I guarantee that every day that goes by, you are constantly thought of.

I am not much of a writer, but I will try and improve upon that as time goes on.

Good Morning

I woke up quite early this morning, somewhat earlier than I would have liked. I am really trying to get things back in order. I bought paint at Home Depot plus brushes etc., Jim and I had always wanted to finish the kitchen and the backroom and then begin painting the bedroom.

I still am unable to sleep in our bed, it is to difficult for the moment to not feel that person next to you. I cannot believe it will be approaching what would have been our 5th anniversary. I am especially glad now that I had kept on the letters he had sent me in previous times, they are very precious to me. It helps me go back in time when things were wonderful.

In A Relationship

When Jim and I had begun to have our relationship together, it had taken some time in order to get to know each other in a domestic way. Eventually, we grew (I think) to have mutual respect and common ground together. In my opinion, when you meet your soul-mate you know it almost immediately, somehow I guess he knew it sooner than I did. It took him awhile to pursue what interest he must have found in me.

I look back upon things and I would not have traded the time I had with him for a split second. I treasure the relationship we had together as a couple.

In 2006, even after after the removal of his kidney. We had spoken of having a child together, but in 2007 as things had become difficult again, that decision had been made for us. We even had a name picked out (Patrick James), however, things happen for a reason.

Jim and I wanted to continue our lives together as a couple should. We were committed to each other and that is what we felt between us.

I Love You Jim and Thank You for being such a BIG PART of my life, Alyssa's life and of course the rest of the family included. You have made such an impact.

In Your Memory.....

I know that you were with us last evening at your Alma Mater for the memorial scholarship award that Doug presented in your name. I thought it was a wonderful idea and you are so very deserving of it. I love you honey, myself, Alyssa, your mom and Doug and Kristy were present.

Doug definitely did you justice in the presentation and... it was a wonderful thing to be able to attend.

Will You Remember....

Will you remember me in heaven,
as I remember you.
Will the love still be there,
as we knew here on earth.

They say in time you heal,
from some of the hurt and pain.

You have been my soul-mate,
and you still are,
even though you do that from afar.

Please know in heaven above,
you still share a very special love.

Someone whom I will love forever.

Interesting Dentist Appt.

From one of the epileptic spills that I took when I was sixteen, a very severe one. There is no way to forget it either. I had braces at the time, thank goodness it helped to save my front teeth. Of course at the time it also included a root canal and I also knew that I may have to have another root canal one day, the time has come again.

I just recall how much pain I was in. So it goes.

On a lighter note, on Tuesday this week I had lunch with my mom and Jim's mom, which is a good thing and we had a very nice time. This is very important in the healing process that we get together when we can and just chat.

I know how I feel about Jim's passing and I don't entirely know how Jim's mom Alice feels, because it is somewhat different as far as wife and mother. But we talk on the phone frequently and I will always consider Alice as mom #2. There is not a day that goes by that I don't feel Jim's presence and I hope and pray that he will continue to be with me for eternity.

Marietta Day's

It is a nice Spring Day and thank goodness the sun is out today because of the severe weather we had last evening. It is another day that Jim will be missed due to the occasion here in town. On a yearly basis, the town in which we live has a street fair and Jim, myself and any additional family members would walk around and check out the stands and see what was for sale and for him what was to eat.

All of us remember fondly how much he enjoyed the sausage sandwiches at the deli across the street and he would have at least two. Last year Alyssa and I had both bought fudge from two different vendors, however the fudge Alyssa bought he enjoyed much better, go figure???

This will always be a special occasion for all of us.

We will all miss you today honey and remember all the good times we had on this day.

Happy Mother's Day

I know what Jim would say and I know what I am going to say. This is for the special mother's whether it be Alice, Susie, Karen, Debbie, or perhaps anyone else that we know that have shared the special ability to bring children up in the right way.

It takes a lot of patience to love and care for a child. You must have a special place within your heart to do it right. We all go through moments of happiness and sadness.

But the love that is shared throughout a lifetime cannot be measured.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you!!!

I Hope You Enjoyed Your Gathering

Jim's birthday had been May 1st and a good day to have a Celebration of Life gathering. This gathering included Alice, Paul, Me, Alyssa, Charlie, Bill, Susie, Karen, Jamie, Doug, Kristy, Debbie, Jay, Jimmie(my brother), Becky, Matt, Annalie, Becky, Mark and Laura. I know Jim was with us in heart and spirit. This certainly gives everyone an idea of the impact that Jim had left in many lives and how much he is loved.

We had the gathering at Shank's Tavern here in Marietta, one of our favorite spots here in town. Under the circumstances, I hope that everyone had a good time. This is something Jim had talked about in advance, Alyssa and I wanted to follow through on.

Happy Birthday Jim Honey

What can I say about the man of my dreams. A wonderful person, with a kind heart and loved by so many. We love you Jim and this special day is just for you. I know that you will be with us today and I hope that you will be looking and smiling.

My gift to you is the love I will share with you for the rest of my life. I wish for you to the happiness and peace you are so much deserving of, after what you had been through with your illness.

Please know how much you are loved and that will remain forever.

Happy Birthday Sweetheart from the very depths of me.

E-Mail April 10, 2002 from Jim

Well I'm not the most approachable guy on the planet, lol I can be a handful. And well, any kind of friendships and work can be a little awkward sometimes. But it's also the place we spend an awful lot of our lives.

Even though I lived in downtown York for a few years, that was awhile ago, and I really know this side of the river; and I really don't know that side.

I'm never short on ideas. We could meet up after work and head for Bube's in Mt. Joy for a drink...listen to some music...pick each other's brains...soak in the atmosphere...and make fun of the bartenders. I could show you the back of an old hardware store I live in(it's actually pretty nice I'm just used to renovated warehouses with lofts, wood everywhere and lots of room for cartwheels). And I could challenge you to a game of nerf ball. We could bare our souls through finger painting.

Then there's breakfast at the Hershey Hotel (I got myself thinking today). And we can digest all those chocolate pastries on the drive down to Lewes...dip my big toe in the salt water. We can walk in the sand until our shins ask us to please stop for awhile. As long as we get back north to Rehoboth for maybe some soul seafood right before the sun goes down over the sound. There's a great light show at the beach every night...so much uninterrupted skyline.

But morning calls and I'm a shot down the Eastern Coast away from my uncle. I'll steal his Boston Whaler (if he hasn't sold it yet) and see if I can find that abandoned coast guard station on one of the small barrier islands that dots the coast. This time I have to check the tide charts so I don't have to swim back to the boat.

Mmmmmm...and there's a great restaurant real close to that boat launch. I saw Black Elvis there once. I kid you not. (shaking head)

Or we can just hit Bube's and take it from there. (smile)

Good Morning

Mom and I going to the grocery store today to grab a few things, also Freckles needs more cat food (can't be without that) Alyssa unfortunately has some type of viral infection and has been dealing with a lack of voice. I hope she feels better, because of course I feel badly for her.

Right now, taking one day at a time as usual and missing Jim like crazy. When you lose your other half, the person that you were meant to be with for eternity, I cannot even begin to explain that is felt. He has to know how much I love him and how much he is missed by all.

Take Care All of You

Just Want To Say.......

Jim, I finally went for a bike ride, it wasn't the same, but I know you were there with me. Thank you for helping to try and give me the strength to get through difficult days. There have been so many wonderful times while we've been together and we still are and always will be.

I Love You and the Special Man that you are.

Trying to Accomplish Things

As I continue to try and do things, looking into driving instruction to get my license in the future, checking back into getting my accounting degree, things such as that. I know I can't push myself too much for obvious reasons. (too much of a push can cause more strain at times)

I have been doing yard work, trying to go for walks when the weather co-operates. The walks are nice, but yet I had my walking partner, however I know he was and is with me.

I want to thank everybody once again for the kindness and support they have shown me and I will always carry it in my heart.

Happy Easter

Today will be a difficult day, Jim and I had normally taken on Easter Dinner ourselves, but this year would be too emotional for me to handle that. Thank goodness on Jim's side of the family last weekend, Karen and Jamie handled it and today, my sister Debbie and her husband Jay are handling it.

Jim had always been so set on Groff's Ham in E-town, which to everyone as understood. We would work together to get things accomplished and everyone else would normally bring a side or dessert. I miss those kinds of things so very much, but I hope that next year I will be able to handle it once again.

I love you Jim and I know that you will be with us today and that you will be happy with the turn-out. It won't be the same without you honey.

Honey, I Love You!!!

Sweetheart, I miss you and I love you so much and of course the rest of the family feels exactly the same. I know that you looking out for us and watching over us, but I know that you are in a much better place and that part I am thankful for.

Your memory will live on in the hearts and minds of so many people. Your perspective and the fight you put forth is an inspiration to so many. I will continue always to live my life in rememberance of you and what you have meant to me.

Palm Sunday

Myself, Alyssa and Charlie are fortunate to share the Albert Easter holiday today. It however will be difficult because Jim and I would typically host Easter ourselves. I look forward to being with Paul, Alice, Karen, Jamie, Heather, Doug and Cristy. They will always be my family and that will never change.

As much as I miss Jim and will always love him for everything he has been and what he also meant to everyone else. He will be with us today, as hard as this is.

Thought Provoking...

I can tell all of you (and you already know) that Jim has had such an impact on my life and I can only hope that I had done the same for him. Since we have been together, he has made me a better person as far as being in a decent and solid relationship.

I will always be in love with Jim and no one else will ever be better suited for me than Jim. I also know that Jim along with my other relatives that I have loved and lost will continue to watch over me and also those that remain here with me.

We will watch, care and love each other forever.

Fond Memories....

I will continue to add to this blog because certain things I have remembered that are laughable about Jim and his funny way of approaching me quite some time ago, are worth every moment (before we were together):

One of his questions had been, How I felt that a roll of toilet paper was to be over or under. (I guess this was his way of factoring compatibility)

In the beginning, he had e-mailed many romantic letters to me that I have never gotten rid of, because I knew that a relationship may develop.

Something I Have Really Never Done.....

My daughter Alyssa, her husband Charlie and myself were going to only go to dinner as a late birthday present for Charlie (this past Sunday). However, I received a call that morning from them to see if I wanted to go Hollywood Casino and I said sure why not. (not something I plan on making a habit of)

So we ventured up there and I had basically no clue what I was doing and the first slot machine I sat down I hit, needless to say I was shocked and then I hit it a second time.

At least I pretty much knew when to stop as tempting as it is to continue, but we had a good time and that is what mattered the most.

Everyone have a good one.

Beautiful Day

This is just the type of day that Jim would have enjoyed, but I know that he is from a different perspective. He would have wanted to go for a bike ride or a walk. He always enjoyed a pleasant day with an abundance of sunshine.

I will always feel his hand in mine when I do take walks or side by side on the bikes. I remember we began to play tennis together, he didn't realize the competition would be tough (although I couldn't beat his serve).

We will always be so well-matched for so many reasons and the love and respect that I have for him will live on forever.

My Take on Christmas 2009

Since things were somewhat difficult we chose not to get a Christmas tree and use the Christmas Ladder (that belonged to Jim's grandfather). Sometimes I think things happen for a reason, I mean this in the sense that it was supposed to be that way, something that he loved very much.

The weather at this time was also not very cooperative, but we managed to get to Myerstown to be with Jim's family even though we were slightly late.

It may seem strange talking of Christmas, but I am trying to take into account some strange nuances that tend to occur.

Good Morning

After taking into consideration how much this blog meant to Jim and the others who have read it, I am going to try and maintain it the best that I can. What I would like others to consider doing is writing in the comments, either the stories they have of times spent with Jim or the impact he has made in life.

I can personally tell you (and everyone probably already knows this) he had a big a heart and truly cared about those that surrounded him.

Please tolerate me as I try and get over the hurt of his passing (as all of us are), all I know is will try and continue to make him proud of having had been married to me.

Also, Happy St. Patricks Day

My Cancer Warrior....

Well Jim has been called to heaven today by the angels. At about 4:30 am Monday, February 22nd he left our lives, but what wonderful memories he has left with all of us. I will never forget his battle with cancer and never wanting to give up, it just became to much for his body to handle. I am certain that he looking down upon us and saying please don't cry, just remember me as I was.

Update

One of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. My husband was placed in hospice care today, due to his aggressive cancer. He has touched the lives of many people and the love he has shared with so many. My best friend will always remain in my heart. I already know that prayers will be sent our way ,I ...will always love him for the person he is and how he has affected my life, in such a positive way.

Test Results......

Just to let everyone know that unfortunately Jim's tests results could have been better. There are more lesions in the brain and newer ones in his lungs, the older ones he had there are at bay. His other body organs are doing well, however, Jim was admitted to Lancaster General Hospital yesterday due to a fracture that occured in his left calf due to the cancer and is undergoing care for a day or two.

As An Update

Jim had a MRI on Wednesday, an upcoming CT on Monday and a doctors appointment on Tuesday. We don't expect any derogatory news, but everyone please say a prayer for him.

Only Two Good Days This Week

In the past few months, the doctor started talking to Barb and I about thinking more of "quality of life" rather than "quantity of life."

He caught me a little by surprise.

My attitude has been that cancer will have to take me fighting, every step, the entire way. "I'm not giving in."

He assured me that he wasn't giving up either.

But I did think about what he said. I put myself in his shoes. If I had a kidney cancer patient who was punished on chemo for nearly four-years with little overall benefit would I of good conscience continue to beat this poor man with harsh drugs without at least some relief?

I understood what he was saying.

And then he suggested we just try a drug called Interferon. It has been the harshest, hardest, meanest, most terrible drug I've ever experienced. When Barb originally looked up all the side-effects from the drug and page of info should have just read," This drug will pound you into the ground and then jump up and down on your head.

This choice had certainly not followed the "quality of life not quantity of life" credo.

It caused me to miss Thanksgiving with my family and a visit with Lynn who was up from Florida. I had called the doctor and discussed getting away from the drug. He suggested we try it only once aweek instead of three times per week. This sounded very possible. So I tried that schedule for the past two-weeks. Now I'm in some of the worst shape I've ever been.

My eyes have gone pretty whacky. My digestion is way off. My body mass has completely shrunken down to skin and bone and cost me 40-pounds. The Interferon causes me odd and quite random pains. And more...

Barb and I have discussed plans. We're going to cancel the Interferon treatments. There's just nothing that has to do with "quality of life" there. We want to get my self in a healthier standing again. And then we want to have a good discussion with the doctor when we're scheduled to meet in about 2-weeks.

We hope the doctor will order scans of the brain, upper spine, chest, abdomen, and pelvis. That is quite a few. We're got some catching up to do.

We also hope that the doc will agree with out idea to try a new kidney cancer drug that was released very recently.

Sorry I've been out of sorts - and out of touch!

Wednesday After....

Since Jim didn't get the opportunity to blog yesterday. I wanted to let you know that he is very tired from his injections and that he needs the time to rest. It seems as though the 48 hours to follow afterward, are the most to contend with.

It's Monday. Let's Get it On.

I'm trying not to let these billing issues cause me too much stress. Lord knows I have enough of that already. But, you know, if you expect to pay $25 for breakfast and when the bill comes it says $400 you are going to have some questions.

One thing I've always wanted to do, just for fun, was bill my insurance company for my time. Who knows? They're so confused and all over the place they just may pay it! lol

I also have thought that it would be fun to include with by invoice one of those legal agreements in six-point type that no one can read stating all of my policies. You know like, if you don't like a first draft I have a right to charge you 10-times the original estimate. Each correction will cost a complete cheese cake. Things like that.

Oh...the joy of working with corporate America.

When I call my insurance company it's always a bit of a crap shoot. Sometimes I'll get someone who is very nice, and genuinely wants to help resolve the issue. Most of the time though it's someone who hates their job, doesn't want to be there, and wishes I would stop interrupting the time they're to spend with their friends on Facebook.

One of my techniques is to keep calling back until I get someone polite and helpful. It's not easy. It takes some effort and time. But eventually it works.

One of the techniques they have often used on me is to ask me to hold and then "mistakenly" hang-up.

I've learned to always get their name, employee number, birth date, favorite pizza topping, everything and anything I can get to help prevent this. This can be challenging since English is no the native language of mos of these folks.

The other day I spoke with Jewieey (Julie) who turned out to be most kind and helpful.

Dear Lord, please help me find Jewieey again.

Not Surprised

I was worried that I started celebrating and dancing a little too early.

I was right.

When the director of oncology/radiation at the hospital tells you that the billing for my radiation treatment is wrong - well you have a high degree of confidence that it is.

But I should know better by now. I was just being hopeful. Afterall a different bill that I settled last week had only been around for six-months.

Sure the radiation director believes that I was billed incorrectly. Sure I was billed completely differently for virtually the same treatment earlier this year. But this only gets me to the next level - the evil level.

The evil level brings in the muscle, the posturing, the politics. It involves different people from LGH billing and many, many, many calls to to my health insurer and the hospital. It involves new languages like "I'll send your EOB to LGH along with your adjusted claim for review."

I really shouldn't have expected anything different than it has been in the past - a huge gigantic mess. It's the last thing I need. But I'll hold off to Monday and knock me head against the wall again.

Yeehaw!

Well we received three bills from the hospital the day after Christmas. None of the bills seemed right. One of the bills has been around since July and I already thought it was resolved twice.

Fun, fun, fun, unfortunately I'm quite used to this kind of thing. So I was hardly shocked.

I decided I would attack these current bills slowly, thoughtfully and methodically, and one at a time.

First I attacked the bill that I was already told was taken care of twice. I really threw myself between the hospital's billing department and the insurance company's claims department. I held their hands and walked them through all issues. I held on the phone for hours as one party called the other party. By the end of the day my insurance company agreed that they processed the claim incorrectly and was sending out a check to the hospital to settle the claim.

Now I can't be too confident. I've been told to rip-up bills before only to have them sent to me again some weeks later. But as much as I was devoted to completely following these bills through I have a high degree of confidence that this bill is finally resolved.

The difference? I was being charged $400 and now I'm being charged my expected co-pay of $25.

I was proud. I did a little dance.

It's not easy being a little sick guy stepping between two-corporate giants.

Yesterday I devoted myself to resolving another bill. I again was expecting a $25 co-pay and ended up again with a bill for $400. For this one I needed Barb's research assistance to pull a bill from early 2009.

The older bill was for $25, my expected co-pay, for a very similar treatment that I was now getting charged $400. It just didn't add up.

I called the radiation department, got one of the key members of the staff on the phone, and asked her why I would be billed so differently for virtually the same treatment.

"Why is this billing so different from the previous one? What is the expected standard?"

I could feel, over the phone, the light bulb going off over her head. She got it. She understood. She asked for time to discuss this with her boss.

Soon she called me back and the bill I was sent was all wrong. It should have been billed as one complete treatment of radiation therapy. But instead it was charged as 16 separate treatments, resulting in my $400 bill rather than my expected $25 co-pay.

I'm still waiting to hear back from radiation on how they specifically plan to resolve this one. This could have far reaching implications. When did LGH and radiation start billing people incorretly like this, and how many people were affected, or even knew about it? Some people just pay the bill. Not everyone is a stubborn hard-head like me.

Again I felt confident that this is addressed. But I'll never know for sure before I get a corrected billing or statement. Still, it was enough success that I had to break out the dancing again. That always draws some odd looks from both Barb and Freckles.

So, now I'm down to just one bill to address. I've been saving this one for last because it's the most complex. I will have to spend some time studying it and figure out what mistakes were made where. When I'm ready. I'll make the calls. I'm not on anybody's time frame.

If I hadn't taken the time to question these bills, and fight for was accurate and right, I'd owe $800 so far, instead of the $50 that I actually owe.

It's tough enough to get up every day and fight this cancer. It's terrible that I also have to fight with the hospital and my insurer almost everyday too. Aren't they supposed to be the companies looking out for me?

Send Me an Honest Man or Woman

When Governor Rendell first sought office he promised that if he was elected he would get rid of the motorcycle helmet law. Probably not a great idea. But it was very popular and likely made a large impact on the election and his victory.

He's a bit of a gambler.

Now this week the Governor held the Pennsylvania Congress hostage announcing that "table games" had to be made legal or he would have to lay off as many as 1,000 employees. This morning the new law just awaits his signature.

Added to the law is the right for PA casinos to extend credit to customers. Now gamblers don't have to stop when they run out of money. They can just pull out their credit cards.

A couple years ago casinos in Pennslvania were created when certain locales were allowed to bring-in slot machines. Now we're adding black jack and poker and 40-some other games to that list. And all of this is supposed to balance the state's next budget.

Sounds like quite a gamble.

When slot machines were legalized Rendell had promised that the profits would be used for property tax relief. I don't remember any relief. Actually ours went up.

Every morning recently there have been stories about charges, filed by the Attorney General, against Senators and Representatives, for using state funds and resources to aid their election campaigns. It's like the wild west out there. Who can we trust?

When you're gambling that black jack will balance our budget, I'm afrait the only gamble is with our future.

What's Going On

I'm not on the board of directors or anything. But I'm at the local cancer center so often that I tend to get a pretty good feel for what is going on.

I've been visiting there so regularly across the past four-years I have more experiences in the place than some nurses. I've seen some come and I've seen some go.

Tuesday, as soon as I walked through the door to the treatment room the receptionist said to me, "I'll take care of you Jim."

It's been horribly cold up here. My Interferon treatment forced me out into it yesterday, with the help of Barb and her Mom.

The cancer center has been going through some major renovations. Barb, her Mom, and I have been a bit skeptical of these renovations as they began to be revealed through December. The number one thing we were worried about was the amount of room, or the lack of room, they've left patients in the new waiting rooms.

The waiting areas had always gotten quite full. We've seen the old waiting areas overflow with patients and they were twice the size of this new one.

I questioned one of the nurses I've gotten to know fairly well about the changes. She explained to me that the hospital was taking over the cancer center from a group of doctors that had run it previously. That I did not know. But I could see the results of the switch in my last two visits for treatment.

One thing that was different was I was given an arm band right away. I wasn't a person anymore. I was a bar code. I wasn't real fond of the thought of that.

Also, now, all the nurses had to dress in the exact same scrubs - uniforms. I know they weren't exactly thrilled with this change. A nurse told me that she felt the new system was less personal, more mechanical. That didn't sound good either.

I only needed an injection yesterday. It literally takes about 30-seconds. In the old set-up people who needed injections would come right in, sit right at the end of the nurses' command center, get there treatment and quickly be on there way.

Yesterday, in the new treatment area, they led me to a corner, closed me in behind curtains, and took my blood pressure, temperature, and a blood sample. Then the wait began.

I try very hard to never make people wait. I had a boss once that said, "If you make people wait, it's like saying your time is more important than theirs. Like you are more important than they are." This boss was constantly, habitually late. So he must have thought that this pertained to everyone but him. But I believed in this philosophy completely.

In the early stages of my cancer I once had to wait 3-hours, and another time had to wait and amazing 4-hours for the doctor to show up. I was hoping there was at least a good reason, like emergency surgery, so I asked. Nope, he told me it was the result of bad scheduling.

Grrrr.

I don't put up with that anymore. It's not right to make cancer patients, many in worse conditions that I, to wait, curled up in a ball, in pain, for a 30-second injection.

Well, 15-minutes went by. I felt like I was being punished stuck in a corner, hidden by curtains and an IV-machine. Then 30-minutes went by. I stood up to stretch my legs although my real motivation was to get attention. It worked. The nurse told me it would just be a couple more minutes.

Another 30-minutes went by and I was officially getting grouchy. I was considering getting up and leaving.

Just then the medicine came out and the nurse gave me my injection and I was on my way.

I could tell by their faces that Barb and her Mom didn't exactly enjoy this wait either. I couldn't believe how full the waiting room was. There were two people sitting on the floor (ON THE FLOOR?!?!?!?). You mean to tell me that in the whole hospital there isn't two extra chairs for these two? As I helped Barb and her Mom collect their coats I coaxed the two patients on the floor into their chairs.

There was yet another patient leaning against a wall, with no chairs in sight.

This was unacceptable.

I can't stop thinking about it. If there is anyway I can possibly change things for the better for people I care about (fellow cancer patients) I want to reach out and try.

Woohoo! One down, Two to Go!

I woke up in a very business-like mood yesterday. I had to.

I had three bills from the hospital that were all wrong and could cost me thousands of dollars.

Unfortunately this is not an odd occurence. This is part of my cancer fight.

I decided to address one bill at a time. The first one I wanted to resolve was a bill that first came in August. It was obviously wrong. My insurer agreed it was wrong and the hospital agreed it was wrong. Both told me to disgard the bill.

Then the same bill came in November. I called the hospital. I called my health insurer. They again agreed that the bill was wrong and advised me to disgard it.

Then, incredibly the same bill showed up once more one day after Christmas. It took me hours of many phone calls back and forth between the hospital and my insurer. I told Barb I'm not letting go until I feel confident this has finally been fixed.

After the entire morning on the phone, after the entire morning of banging my head against the wall, my health insurer told me they were going to send a check to the hospital for the amount due and I could disregard the check.

I feel confident (I hope) that this is finally it, after only six-months. (sigh) We'll see.

It was a mistake by my health insurer that caused all the confusion. It almost always is. I should be able to charge them my professionl hourly rate for all the time I've had to dedicate to this one single bill. I'd love to do this someday, just to see what happens.

In my cancer experience, one of the biggest ongoing challenges has nothing to do with my health (my sanity maybe). I battle cancer daily. And I battle my health insurance company as well.

With one of three taken care of (I hope), it was time to move on to the next bill that was wrong. But after hours on the phone yesterday morning I announced to Barb that it was time for a little nap.

Barb asked me if she minded if she tried to call the hospital or Aetna about it. I told her to, "Go for it!"

When I woke up from my power nap I quickly noticed Barb's face - strained, stress, baffled, upset. She looked like she was banging her head against the wall.

I smiled. "Hey," I said to Barb. "I know that face."

Here We Go, Manic Monday

Anyday I don't have to deal with my health insurance company, or the billing department at the hospital is a good day. I think it' safe to say that I already have my hands full today. What a mess.

Yesterday, just out of curiousity, Barb looked up the side-effect of Interferon, the current cancer drug I'm on. She just kept listing them and listing them and listing them. I politely cut her off. Thanked her. And said, "Jeesh, why don't they just list what it doesn't effect."

It effects everything, and I certainly feel most of them. I've lost about 20-pounds now even though my appetite is still good and my eating is still strong. What I've lost is body mass. My body is just shrinking. Everything is getting smaller. It's hard to explain.

Typically when you think of losing weight you think of shedding some unnecessary fat, maybe around the waist or the buttocks. But this is different. Everything shrinks down towards the bone.

It makes my body much more sensitive. That body mass was a buffer for my body. It protected me from feeling the elements. Now I can walk from the bedroom into the hallway and notice the slightest temperature change. With the freezing temperatures outside, I can't even imagine stepping outdoors. The freezing weather would just shoot right through me.

Yes, when I do have to go outside I am dressing in layers like Nanook the Eskimo Boy.

It can be a little frustrating when you're exercising and eating and doing everything in your power to build up the body mass...but still...nothing. I do think that my weight is finally reaching a low level where it won't continue to shrink.

I mean this is cookie season after all. I've never had a huge sweet tooth. But when I walk through the kitchen and there is just a plate of homemade cookies or brownies sitting there...oh my...I get all excited and just can't control myself.

I do believe that our son-in-law's Mom, Maria, makes the best cookies I have ever had in my life. They're all Italian creations. They're all extraordinary. I polished off the first batch in a couple of days. I just received a second batch yesterday. WOW!

Excuse me. I might need a couple now. (Munch. Chew. Chew. Bite. Munch. Chew.)

INCREDIBLE!

I had to grab one of my wife's incredible brownies too.

How can't I gain weight?!?!?!

Nice Slow Start to the New Year

I've had a lot of great pork and sauerkraut through the years. But yesterday Barb cooked up one of the best batches I've ever had. Wow! Was I so full.

I'm going to take a weekend off the blog and start the New Year slow and easy, just take care of some things around the house, have a nice afternoon nap.

Monday will come soon enough and I'll get to jump in between Lancaster General Hospital and Aetna in their billing dispute. I don't look forward to it. It is literally like banging my head against the wall. But I'll wake up ready to tackle the giants once again.