When I was young the elders of my church would speak a lot about the idea of being "born again."
I have to admit that I never fully grasped this concept. Primarily the notion that each of us would be "born again."
For me, always believing in the concepts of God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, the resurrection and forgiveness of sins, my faith was something I grew up with, it was a part of me, and something that I firmly believed in. That had never changed throughout my life. My faith was always very strong. So how could I be "born again?"
Life is funny.
My cancer diagnosis never altered my personal faith. But the support and love expressed so graciously from so many around me altered my view of faith.
I've always been a quiet, private individual. And in my faith I've always been quite private as well. In a lot of ways I just respected others enough not to impose my faith-based concepts on others. I did not want to offend anyone.
But seeing the support from so many these past months has shown me a whole other aspect of faith that I have been missing - the ideas of brotherhood, fellowship, and benevolance. The idea that a great aspect of our faith is not just personal, but shared. The idea that a great aspect of our faith is not just in keeping good care of ourselves, but keeping good care of all our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ.
To this extent, now, I have been "born again." I finally understand the significance and value of the brotherhood of the church family, and now pursue to be a part of it rather than to shy away.
And as soon as my strength and health improves my mission will be to extend the kindness that has been extended to me ten-fold.
Thank you to everyone, in all the church families, that have taught me so much, shown me such patience, and extended such love.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Friday, June 29, 2007
Still Waiting.......It's The Hardest Part
It is 6 pm as of right now and the broncoscopy results are expected until early next week. Right now Jim is flipping back and forth between TV channels between watching Frasier and the musical group Green Day. I anxiously await for Alyssa and Charlie to show up, I think we are going to walk up to the local carnival this evening and see what fattening food we can find. LOL
I certainly hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend and take care!!!
I certainly hope everyone has an enjoyable weekend and take care!!!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Living Life Like a Man of La Mancha
I had recorded Man of La Mancha for Barb and I to watch when we had time. We sat down and watched it today.
It has been over 20-years since I've seen the movie. I only remembered that I liked it a lot. And of course I remembered that it involved a crazy Don Quixote chasing windmills.
I still liked the movie every bit as I remembered. And I think I know why.
In the middle of the movie Don Quixote (Peter O'toole) asks, "Is it crazy to live life as it is, or to live life as it should be?"
This has always been a mantra I've lived life by unconsciously. I've never been satisfied just to live life as expected, but as I've thought best. Sometimes that may have taken me "outside the lines," or raised eyebrows. Sometimes that meant I took a longer, harder road. Sometimes that has made people think, like they did of Don Quixote, that I must be quite mad.
But if a manager asked me to take shortcuts on a job to increase profits and I ignored him and produced a quality job nonetheless - that was me living life the way I thought it should be.
If a professor gave me a "C" because I refused to go out on a date with her, although I easily earned an "A" - that was me living the life the way I thought it should be.
It's a great movie. Please take a chance to see it when you can.
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go;
To right the unrightable wrong.
To love, pure and chaste, from afar,
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!
This is my Quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause!
And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.
And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable stars!
It has been over 20-years since I've seen the movie. I only remembered that I liked it a lot. And of course I remembered that it involved a crazy Don Quixote chasing windmills.
I still liked the movie every bit as I remembered. And I think I know why.
In the middle of the movie Don Quixote (Peter O'toole) asks, "Is it crazy to live life as it is, or to live life as it should be?"
This has always been a mantra I've lived life by unconsciously. I've never been satisfied just to live life as expected, but as I've thought best. Sometimes that may have taken me "outside the lines," or raised eyebrows. Sometimes that meant I took a longer, harder road. Sometimes that has made people think, like they did of Don Quixote, that I must be quite mad.
But if a manager asked me to take shortcuts on a job to increase profits and I ignored him and produced a quality job nonetheless - that was me living life the way I thought it should be.
If a professor gave me a "C" because I refused to go out on a date with her, although I easily earned an "A" - that was me living the life the way I thought it should be.
It's a great movie. Please take a chance to see it when you can.
To dream the impossible dream,
To fight the unbeatable foe,
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go;
To right the unrightable wrong.
To love, pure and chaste, from afar,
To try, when your arms are too weary,
To reach the unreachable star!
This is my Quest to follow that star,
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far,
To fight for the right
Without question or pause,
To be willing to march into hell
For a heavenly cause!
And I know, if I'll only be true
To this glorious Quest,
That my heart will lie peaceful and calm
When I'm laid to my rest.
And the world will be better for this,
That one man, scorned and covered with scars,
Still strove, with his last ounce of courage,
To reach the unreachable stars!
Politics of Health
I believe in Democracy, and I believe in Capitalism.
I think that technology will someday make Democracy a reality. Although you'll often hear our system referred to as a great "Democracy," we are indeed a Republic. A Democracy is one vote for every man or woman. A Republic is a representational style of government, where representatives are voted for to respresent your interests.
There's little I would recommend more than getting rid of all of our representatives. The best way is to implement a true Democracy. In Pennsylvania alone, since January, our legislature has passed four bills, two of them were to name bridges, the other two were just as innocuous.
Why am I talking politics?
Well as a cancer fighter I've learned that a majority of my time is spent wrestling with insurance companies, mired in greed and politics. And it stinks. I absolutely, positively, have gone without needed care, and have had care severely delayed because of the greed and politics of the insurance industry.
I don't need to just pick on my company. From my understanding, from talking to other patients, from talking to doctors and nurses and medical staff - this is all normal, no matter what the insurance company, no matter what the patients' condition.
It's an awful shame. It makes us a society that lacks compassion and ultimately greatness. As long as we choose profits over care for one another we are not a great society, or a world leader or an example setter.
Most of Europe has already socialized health care systems to ensure that everyone receives treatment needed at affordable costs. We could learn something from others. It seems like a tough pill for Americans to swallow - the concept that we actually could stand to learn something from some other country. But we'd be smarter to realize that we can learn and implement things from everyone around the world. Afterall, isn't that diversity of intellect what made this country so wonderful to begin with?
I do believe in Capitalism. Competing is part of human nature. And building that natural competition into the scheme of the social structure is necessary. Communism of course was doomed to fail because it went against the very instincts of human nature. And it followed with corruption, competition, and ultimately different social classes within a false promise of a society without classes.
But Capitalism is not always good. And I think that the concept of health insurance is no better example of the failure of a capitalistic structure.
Sick people need care. Health insurance companies need to make profits. The best way for health insurers to make profits is to limit or deny sick people care. Just the very nature of that structure is just bad, bad, bad.
And boy have I experienced it. I've had an important PET scan delayed for over a month. I've had chemotherapy costs completely denied, which delayed my start of chemo treatments until alternative financing could be arranged. As I write this I'm having important medications to control naseau denied. There are no good reasons. Well except for the reason my one doctor quoted yesterday, "They're just trying to put you off because they don't want to pay for anything."
And put me off they have. It was four hours on the phone yesterday. A couple of times I got transferred to the moon. Yes, the moon, but don't worry, no one answered and the line dropped. I've been trasferred from department to department, hung-up on, run around, told everything and anything.
Our healthcare system is not working. We can learn lessons from Europe. I do believe that common products in society that everyone needs (like healthcare) can be socialized. But do we give controls to our government to run these provisions for the populace? Yeah, that thought does scare me too.
Well excuse me on my pulpit. But I do feel that there are some important thoughts to share.
And now I better get back on the line with my insurance company. I haven't eaten in three days because of the naseau. And I'm hoping that maybe four more hours beating myself up on the phone with my insurance company may lead to the pills I need to control the naseau, and possibly even eat lunch today.
I think that technology will someday make Democracy a reality. Although you'll often hear our system referred to as a great "Democracy," we are indeed a Republic. A Democracy is one vote for every man or woman. A Republic is a representational style of government, where representatives are voted for to respresent your interests.
There's little I would recommend more than getting rid of all of our representatives. The best way is to implement a true Democracy. In Pennsylvania alone, since January, our legislature has passed four bills, two of them were to name bridges, the other two were just as innocuous.
Why am I talking politics?
Well as a cancer fighter I've learned that a majority of my time is spent wrestling with insurance companies, mired in greed and politics. And it stinks. I absolutely, positively, have gone without needed care, and have had care severely delayed because of the greed and politics of the insurance industry.
I don't need to just pick on my company. From my understanding, from talking to other patients, from talking to doctors and nurses and medical staff - this is all normal, no matter what the insurance company, no matter what the patients' condition.
It's an awful shame. It makes us a society that lacks compassion and ultimately greatness. As long as we choose profits over care for one another we are not a great society, or a world leader or an example setter.
Most of Europe has already socialized health care systems to ensure that everyone receives treatment needed at affordable costs. We could learn something from others. It seems like a tough pill for Americans to swallow - the concept that we actually could stand to learn something from some other country. But we'd be smarter to realize that we can learn and implement things from everyone around the world. Afterall, isn't that diversity of intellect what made this country so wonderful to begin with?
I do believe in Capitalism. Competing is part of human nature. And building that natural competition into the scheme of the social structure is necessary. Communism of course was doomed to fail because it went against the very instincts of human nature. And it followed with corruption, competition, and ultimately different social classes within a false promise of a society without classes.
But Capitalism is not always good. And I think that the concept of health insurance is no better example of the failure of a capitalistic structure.
Sick people need care. Health insurance companies need to make profits. The best way for health insurers to make profits is to limit or deny sick people care. Just the very nature of that structure is just bad, bad, bad.
And boy have I experienced it. I've had an important PET scan delayed for over a month. I've had chemotherapy costs completely denied, which delayed my start of chemo treatments until alternative financing could be arranged. As I write this I'm having important medications to control naseau denied. There are no good reasons. Well except for the reason my one doctor quoted yesterday, "They're just trying to put you off because they don't want to pay for anything."
And put me off they have. It was four hours on the phone yesterday. A couple of times I got transferred to the moon. Yes, the moon, but don't worry, no one answered and the line dropped. I've been trasferred from department to department, hung-up on, run around, told everything and anything.
Our healthcare system is not working. We can learn lessons from Europe. I do believe that common products in society that everyone needs (like healthcare) can be socialized. But do we give controls to our government to run these provisions for the populace? Yeah, that thought does scare me too.
Well excuse me on my pulpit. But I do feel that there are some important thoughts to share.
And now I better get back on the line with my insurance company. I haven't eaten in three days because of the naseau. And I'm hoping that maybe four more hours beating myself up on the phone with my insurance company may lead to the pills I need to control the naseau, and possibly even eat lunch today.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Following Day
Yesterday my husband Jim has a broncoscopy done for what they thought was something in the trachea. It was found to be on the outside growing in. We should know within the next few days the results of that. I cannot imagine the Nexavar not doing what it has been doing in conjunction with this also.
He seems to be getting better even though the fatigue and nausea still exists. At the moment everything seems to be manageable.
It is a very hot day in Marietta and we have the air conditioning running in order to keep Jim comfortable. I can't wait until he tells me to make him something to eat because that is the one thing I awaiting for the return of appetite.
It may seem simple, but I like to get a few of my thoughts out in the open once in awhile.
He seems to be getting better even though the fatigue and nausea still exists. At the moment everything seems to be manageable.
It is a very hot day in Marietta and we have the air conditioning running in order to keep Jim comfortable. I can't wait until he tells me to make him something to eat because that is the one thing I awaiting for the return of appetite.
It may seem simple, but I like to get a few of my thoughts out in the open once in awhile.
Monday, June 25, 2007
Simple Things
Going through four weeks of radiation treatments, you begin to see familiar faces in the waiting room each day. They are faces of other patients also receiving radiation treatments, either scheduled just before or just after you.
During my last two weeks of treatments I daily noticed a gentleman, likely in his 70's. We had never spoke. But we had exchanged glances over waiting room magazines.
In my last week of treatments I was feeling very rough. My movements were slow. My hair was gone. My stomach was upset. I felt, quite frankly, close to death.
The process of the daily treatments always moved quickly. The staff was very professional, understanding and caring. The time spent in the waiting room was always minimal. Often times I would be called from the first waiting room to a second waiting room and then into the treatment area.
On one day, during my last week of treatments, I was called to the second waiting room. I had glanced to my right and noticed the older gentleman, that I had started to notice daily in the lobby, coming out of the treatment room towards me. I looked back into my magazine. As he passed by I felt a soft hand on my shoulder and he said, "Have a good day," as he kept moving by me.
It was a gesture I won't soon forget. Such a simple, small gesture. It didn't matter that he knew me, or anything about me. He knew what I was going through and decided to reach out and add a bit of comfort and kindness.
Along this journey I've been touched by similar anonymous acts, some simple, some much more complex. If I can return such acts of kindness to others for the rest of my life - you can count on it, I WILL!
During my last two weeks of treatments I daily noticed a gentleman, likely in his 70's. We had never spoke. But we had exchanged glances over waiting room magazines.
In my last week of treatments I was feeling very rough. My movements were slow. My hair was gone. My stomach was upset. I felt, quite frankly, close to death.
The process of the daily treatments always moved quickly. The staff was very professional, understanding and caring. The time spent in the waiting room was always minimal. Often times I would be called from the first waiting room to a second waiting room and then into the treatment area.
On one day, during my last week of treatments, I was called to the second waiting room. I had glanced to my right and noticed the older gentleman, that I had started to notice daily in the lobby, coming out of the treatment room towards me. I looked back into my magazine. As he passed by I felt a soft hand on my shoulder and he said, "Have a good day," as he kept moving by me.
It was a gesture I won't soon forget. Such a simple, small gesture. It didn't matter that he knew me, or anything about me. He knew what I was going through and decided to reach out and add a bit of comfort and kindness.
Along this journey I've been touched by similar anonymous acts, some simple, some much more complex. If I can return such acts of kindness to others for the rest of my life - you can count on it, I WILL!
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Not Something You See Everyday
Click on photo to view larger image.
We wanted to share this rare photograph of Alice Albert handling live fish. There are some things you will only get one chance to see. This is one of them. But she does look happy, doesn't she?
We are pretty sure Peter Putnam (at left) is responsible for this catch, and most likely cleaning and cooking.
Beautiful Sunday in Pennsylvania, we should probably be out with the camera or down by the river - but we're watching the Phillies and yelling at the TV whenever they make mistakes (as a good Philadelphia fan would do).
Barb surprised me with a case (yes I said a case) of Drake's Cherry Pies it's not the most healthy snack. But it is one thing I know I can always eat. In the meantime, we continue to try and expand my diet.
The fatigue symptons continue to improve. The appetite is slowly getting better (I ate a whole turkey sub). I predict in one more week, Barb will not be able to beat me in arm wrestling. So enjoy it while it lasts Barbie girl, Ha, Ha, Ha!!!
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